MY SOUNDCITY AUDITIONS

You know how you see those funny project fame videos and you tag all your friends and you all choke on your howls and you ask what was he/she thinking?
See gbabge,that thing can happen to anybody.
Nobody is immune
It happened to me this Tuesday.


For the past 4-5 years the dream was to be an OAP, I didn't know how, I didn't know if it was going to be a forever thing.I just knew that I wanted it to be stated in my life's timeline that I played music and connected with the beautiful people of Lagos using radio as my platform.
So last week Friday, Banke tags me in an IG post. It happens that   Soundcity is starting a new radio station and they will be needing the services of aspiring OAPs.

I wanted to unlook, pretend like I didn't see it. But I know myself I will constantly blame myself after I didn't attend the auditions.
See I have been disappointed in time past and that is me putting it lightly
For someone who loves radio like I do, I find it ironic that when its time to put my best feet forward, I just freeze.
So I go for the auditions on Saturday and I hear its been moved to Tuesday.
So on Tuesday, I show up with an orange cowl neck top, a pleated print gathered skirt and a freaking brooch! I looked like freaking Audrey Hepburn.
How do I explain this? Lagos aspiring OAPs hardly wear normal clothes, its either ripped jeans, fancy Bruno Mars hats, dashikis, hipster clothing, anything to make you look like a rebel. A brooch is the final touch of up tightness, I was dressed for church!
I am just there thinking these people will see through me and realize I am an opinionated grumpy elder trapped in a young lady's body. I don't think that's who they are looking for.
I didn't tell any of my friends about the auditions. I am learning this thing of being my number one cheerleader.
I give myself the pep talk,'You can do it','Do it Afraid!,'Its your year of Yes!','You are lion, go and roar','You are God's first offspring, so you are a god, go and flourish'.
Me even after my own peptalk
But I am not a strong woman, so I fall like a pack of whot cards. I panic and I call Layo.
It happened that the script that I am to read out has a disclaimer saying that the auditions will be filmed. You can understand why I panicked right?
Now its my turn to go in and charm the pants off the judges. I introduce myself and he says, 'Ifeoma, I can't hear you'.
What!! I am the loudest person I know, how is it that the one time I need my body t work a certain way, it fails me.
I am disappointed! At this point I can't look at myself anymore.
Its my turn to read my script and all I said was,'Hello Lagos! Thank you for choosing SoundCity 98.5FM' and he says,'Next!'
I can swear that he gave the other persons an extra 10 seconds.
Next thing I hear is thank you for coming.
I move to the video section to tell Nigeria why I should be Lagos' new voice.
Fam!!I flopped. It just occurred to me that my hair may have been scruffy while I was talking. Like if you are going to mess up I should have looked good while doing it, innit? I said whatever I had to say and I ended my speech with 'Thank you!' I may have even done the kneeling down gesture.
Thank you? Really? What are you? 6? Is it a Christmas grotto? Was I making a request to my mummy and daddy?
After the shoot, it hits me my parents came all the way from Delta state to make a better life for themselves and I pay them back by going on National TV to be cut short while reading my script and I do so without any indication of fleekness?
I have been like this for the past two days

What an underwhelming experience.
Sigh.
So I am writing this epistle, so you all know before time.
In case you see any video on Instagram that is out to make a mockery of me, please don't be useless, don't tag your friends, don't use that crying and laughing smiley, just let the video die a natural death
I don't think I am asking for too much.


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